Film Review - Care Bears: The Movie

The Care Bears are brightly coloured teddy bears with love hearts affixed to their fur. Each care bear is bullied relentlessly by less embarrassingly constructed creatures, such as otters and mandrills. The bears put up with this for quite some time, but eventually the remorseless twittering and pecking of an owl causes them to crack.

Their own innate sense of worthlessness manifests itself in the form of blood lust. To compensate for their ludicrous appearance and humiliating name, the Care Bears go on a rampage born of frustration.

Having fled the owl and with their adrenaline still pumping, the bears happen across a gang of teenagers. In a pre-emptive strike, they proceed to hurl bricks at the startled teenagers, who, astonished and frightened, try to run away. A bright green Care Bear picks up the remains of a cigarette that one teenager had been smoking and having felled the smoker with a brick to the temple, green Care Bear extinguishes the cigarette in the prostrate victim’s eye.

Now with a taste for violence, the Care Bears get organised. At first they set a series of ambushes outside a residential home for the disabled, where they burst from the cover of bushes brandishing sickles and scythes. Later they acquire a mortar and bombard the town of Stockton-on-Tees. Finally, they start to deal in plastic explosives and it is left to the viewer to foresee the ultimate end of this cuddly campaign of destruction.