Film Review - Contact

Jodie Foster is a scientist. She's got a big thing about empirical evidence. Over the course of Contact she learns that everybody who makes judgements based on facts is WRONG. She also learns that everybody who just takes things on trust is RIGHT.

The only thing is, the only thing that convinces her of this is an experience that she has - something that she herself can verify.

We the viewers are also meant to take home the view that just believing in something for no real reason, because somebody's told you to, is in some way better than requiring facts. Aside from the flawed logic whereby Jodie Foster renounces facts as a result of a FACT, we're also supposed to adopt this view based on a load of fiction. Because, lest we forget, this is just a film and not real life.

Just who is it that lets Christian Americans make films?

Film Review - The Big Sleep

The Big Sleep is a modern day reworking of that fairytale where the princess sleeps for a thousand years. Or a hundred. Or six months. I can never remember.

In this version, the action is transplanted to inner-city Pocklington in North Yorkshire. It's a hard world. A world of macho posturing, weapons and keeping up your reputation. Within this grim, urban land, we meet Karen, played by Oprah Winfrey. She works in the arts centre, unfortunately, not for much longer.

Karen falls asleep. For no real reason, she doesn't wake up for three whole days. When she awakes she's lost her job. Now she must make her way on the harsh streets of Pocklington, three days older, but no more wise. You see: There are no fairytales in Pocklington.

Film Review - A Scanner Darkly

I hate it when a film's called something that doesn't seem to make grammatical sense.

You're annoyed that it doesn't seem to scan, but you know that it's probably a totally different meaning that you'd only understand if you watched the film. If you did watch the film, it would all fall into place and the title would reveal itself as perfectly grammatical.

But you don't want to watch the film, because you don't want to be sucked in. Instead, it's far better to rage blindly at something you don't really comprehend. That's the way I always feel anyway.

Keanu Reeves - black mark; Robert Downey Junior - black mark; title - black mark; Based on a Philip K Dick novel - tick.

Ticks and black marks: That's the way to rate a film.

Film Review - Dirty Sanchez

Somebody once tricked me into doing an image search for Dirty Sanchez. I didn't know what it was. If you're also ignorant of the 'other' meaning, the clue is in the 'dirty' part. Things with 'dirty' in are never good on the internet.

I'm not going to forgive these Welsh pranksters for their indirect responsibility for this grave error.

Film Review - A Nightmare On Elm Street

Karl is a paper boy. Karl delivers his papers flawlessly every day. Karl's round encompasses Elm Street and Willow Drive.

One day, Karl is distracted from his endeavours by thoughts of a vaguely rude film he's seen the night before. Karl's only 11. It's easy to get distracted by things like that when you're 11. Karl absent-mindedly posts a copy of the Sun through the door of a house who ordinarily receive the Financial Times.

Unable to retrieve the paper and now bearing one copy of the Sun too few, Karl attempts to make the best of things by reapportioning the newspapers in such a way as that everyone will receive a newspaper of roughly the correct type, if not exactly the right paper.

With a Sun too few and an FT too many, he attempts to deliver a marginally higher-brow newspaper to everyone, thus breaking down the disparity between all of the houses, rather than inflicting a clearly inappropriate newspaper on just the one customer.

Having to think on his feet and in a state of mild panic, Karl clearly fails. He has A Nightmare On Elm Street.

Film Review - Desperately Seeking Susan

Desperately Seeking Susan is the sequel to the critically feted Vaguely Wondering Where Susan Is. The rumour is that there is a third film, currently in production, with the provisional title, Frantically Phoning Round Everyone We Know In The Vague Hope That They've Seen Or Spoken To Susan.

Desperately Seeking Susan is a tour de force from a cinematic perspective. It is one continuous take, on one solitary camera. The actor, Cheggers of pop-playing fame, had to deliver a gargantuan, yet faultless performance. And he managed it.

By the end of the film, Cheggers is completely hoarse. Starting with an inquisitive 'Susan?' progressing to a more tremulous and nervous delivery, before finally, in the climactic moments, attaining a level of worry that could only be classed as desperate. The whole movie hangs on this man and he delivers.

Film Review - Chinatown

Chinatown is a wobbly-camera documentary about a group of children taking a day trip in order to learn something about another culture.

Early excitement at the exotic arch leading into Chinatown is quoshed by the realisation that no-one's really thought of anything to do while they're there.

One kid buys two pairs of nice chopsticks to take home.