Film Review - Master and Commander

One guy's a master, one guy's a commander, a third guy's a captain. They argue about who the boss is.

It's an epic, so you have to endure quite a lot of this. One guy, the captain, played by Max Bygraves, habitually makes up quotes to 'prove' that he's the boss. The commander, Tim Curry, yells louder and louder at an ever-escalating pitch. The master, Mr Benn, from children's TV programme, Mr Benn, merely runs away from them and attempts to be master of very small and inconsequential objects.

A sample scene runs as follows:

Mr Benn (under his breath): I'm the master of my pillow...

Captain Bygraves: What was that? Did you say that you were master of the pillow? I think you'll find that the interior minister for seafaring declared on his deathbed that all night-time paraphernalia was under the exclusive command of the captain.

Commander Curry: No. No. No. No. Actually. Actually. That's mine. I'm the commander. I'm the commander. I'm the commander.

This film is complete balls.